I did not see Him…

…for a very long time!! Today is the anniversary of the death of my father, who has died on 27th of Dec. 2007. “I did not see him for a very long time” means I didn´t recognize his true love and spirit until I went to Australia for the second time, Dez.1999. At this time he has been 72, me 31!! Pretty long time you may reckon. That´s right, because we had a very dominant mother and my dad had a lot of his own problems. Suffering from depression in his 50th and asthma in his 70th, not to mention two new hip joints in between, and a few other stays at the hospital, he never moaned. The older I became, the more I understood his feelings and reasonings he had in those days. Being most of the time grumpy, edgy and not interested in what we children were doing, we turned to our mother, asking her what we should do, when we had something to discuss or how we should react on certain situations. So our mother played the main role in our lives and my father was the weak one, we did not understand his behavior for so many times. (Not having a strong male part in your adolescent would be another long post-just have a look on Robert Bly´s “Iron John”). Since I have children myself and I´m now in my 40th, I realize so many things. In my opinion, the main reason is, that three of his elder brothers died at World War II, when he was a teenager. As one of his sisters died, he found all those letters from the front, from the days of WWII, exploring what have happened back then, not knowing the circumstances of his brothers deaths for more than 47 years! This is something you truly have to work on  a long time. (I try to figure out this theme on my recent blogs ” Dealing with Russia…”). Things changed then  when I got divorced from my first wife in spring 1999. This was the first time I can clearly recall myself that he was interested in what I did. This was the moment I started to see him a bit, just a glimpse in the distance. This tiny little dot became a bright sun, until now,even  he has died three years ago. Not being a man of many words, he just huged me when I was on my way to Australia in December 1999. I wasn´t prepared for that. I started crying like a baby and went away, while my brother was waiting, taking me to the airport. We grew up  without showing emotions and feelings in our family, so this was something I didn´t expected at all. Wow. So we had at least a couple of years left we could share together, talking and acting on the same level! In the end, he became the role model for me he was meant to be! I hope I´m up to this for my own children too! Even my mother, who has condemned so many things my father did and said, is taking over now most of it. The death of my father was hitting me hard, but somehow I was prepared for that. He almost died in my car of an asthma attack two years before. It´s a great pity he is gone, but the next generation is on its way-and to speak of-my youngest son Jakob reminds me in so many ways of my father. I remember my father so many times what he would have said and done in particular moments, and I know that he wants me to do what I really like to do and not what someone is expecting from me to do. Instead of becoming a mechanical engineer, he had to overtake my grandfathers farm. My decision to give up my work as a joiner/workshop, is in some way a further development of what my father hasn´t been able to do. I know he is standing on my side, even though he is gone. I´m blessed to have a father like HIM.

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